Lizardling / Mandy

I grew up in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by people who had family- or faith-based communities... but none for me. I've been on the Internet since I was 14, which was my first taste of community... of people with whom you have something in common, but just enough not in common that you can enrich one another's lives.

The community I found myself in was a place called #callahans on IRC. It's morphed a lot over the years. When I first joined, it sorta worked like a bunch of broken people trying to help one another heal and, in the process, heal themselves. It was like for quite a while, but as we all grew up, it started to change. In particular, there is a small group of us that sorta clicked due to age. We all joined #c as fairly young teenagers. We all went to college at the same time, all started dated at (more or less) the same time, graduated and found jobs, lost jobs, got houses, lost houses, etc. Basic life stuff. The difference is that we did this all over the world. It was about remarkably similar experiences that differed by location, individual drives and the personalities involved. Variations on a theme.

#c is an interesting place. Some of us have had children, though not many in my cohort. We've all gotten together in "real life" at times, though I've not met as many as I'd like. (Those who live on the coasts have been luckier in that regard.) More importantly, we've all left and come back many times.

I first left when I was still in college. I felt as though the community was hurting me, and while there was certainly some of that, in retrospect, it was the pain of growing out of some of my own issues. I came back in 2000, when things had fallen apart with K and I didn't yet have any friends in the city I had just moved to. It was nice to "see" people again, and I was able to reconnect with the community at a different level as I'd left a student and come back as an adult... albeit a fairly young and arrogant one. It was particularly nice to see lizardling. We'd always clicked, being a similar age and having gone to school in Iowa. However, after that, she moved to Seattle and we never really got to meet as neither of us had a car when we were close by.

Then, 9/11 happened, and we had friends in the towers and in the city.

All of a sudden, the channel, which some had thought was dying, was full. Everyone was checking in, saying they were OK and asking if others were OK. In the course of a couple hours, I had built a tracker so we could add people we were looking for and check in when we knew we were OK. People I hadn't spoken with in years were popping up wanting say "everything's going to fine". It was nice to see people again.

Time went by and the group split. Some of us went to LJ. Some went to a different IRC network. Some back to Usenet. Many of us went back to our lives. Things got back to normal. I left the channel due to differences with a few people and the increasing distraction of professional life.

Then, RubyMeg died over Christmas. All of a sudden, the channel was full again. People who had left the channel swearing never to return were taking time out of their family lives to check in and share memories of her. She had been dying for a long time, so we knew it was going to come, but we wanted to be there for one another and for our friend's husband and children. Again, it was nice to see lizardling. She was into gaming, and I wasn't, so by that point, much of her time was in online RPGs. Still, we kept in touch here and there. I'd send her books now and again, as we had similar interests.

After that, we started to drift again for a while. Sure, there were losses here and there over the years, PolarBear, GingerBear, Kody, and we got back together for a few days to share memories and form new ones. Each time there was an event that effected the community, we'd all come together. By this time, most of my cohort was busy elsewhere, but whenever lizardling had an problem, she'd show up and we'd talk about. Whenever I had a problem, she'd show up and we'd talk about that. We probably took one another for granted. I know I did.

Yesterday, there were bombings in Boston. A lot of people from the #c community live or have lived in Boston. As one does, I logged back into the channel to make sure people were OK. Folks were checking in. Everyone but lizardling. I wasn't worried. After all, she lived in Seattle and didn't much like running. She was probably busy playing a game somewhere.

Last night, I learned that she died last Tuesday.

She was one year younger than me. I don't know why it happened. I may never know. All I know is that I'll miss her and I wish I'd not taken her for granted.

It's amazing how someone can be always there and then, without warning, suddenly not.

I miss her. I'm sad.

There's nothing else to say, so here are pictures I took of my parents' cats the weekend before last. If I'd posted them earlier, she'd have liked them.